The Not So Secret Diary of Potter, The Harry.
by cracker-jacks
Summary: Harry Potter's Diary....in a sense. Spanking, nonsense, and stupidity all around.


Disclaimer: Story claims none of the Harry Potter character as own. The all belong to the great JKR. Story is simply for laughter purposes.  
  
Author's Note: Story writing style was taken from Cassandra Claire's LJ about LotR. If this in any way offends her, have her write me, and I'll remove it immediately.  
  
Also, I haven't really been reading much fanfic's lately, so if somebody has already done this…sorry. Plagiarism was not intended.  
  
Otherwise, on with the show!  
  
  
  
  
  
The Not So Secret Diary of:  
  
Potter, The Harry.  
  
  
  
Day 1:  
  
Birthday party for Dudley had unexpected results. Apparently, snakes can talk.  
  
Uncle Vernon not very happy. Was sent to cupboard. Stupid Uncle Vernon.  
  
Dudley will probably want to come and "comfort" me. Beginning to suspect Dudley has other reasons for this.  
  
Will wait and see.  
  
Day 57:  
  
Dudley having far to much fun with his 'poking stick.' Find self wondering what boys at Smeltings actually do for entertainment…  
  
Also, letter arrived for me. Nothing important I'd suspect, but got to move bedrooms as bonus. Though, just means more room for Dudley's 'comforts.'  
  
Day 60:  
  
Uncle Vernon off his rocker. And person who delivers letters is very persistent. Must really enjoy job.  
  
Day 62:  
  
Uncle Vernon decided to go on freak spur of the moment vacation.  
  
Now stuck in middle of no where with only Dudley for entertainment. Was fun at first, but poking stick kept getting in way.  
  
Day 63:  
  
Met BFG today. Was informed of a few things…  
  
So much for being a regular boy. Just HAD to be a wizard. Stupid Wizards. Now must leave poking stick. Much sadness.  
  
Day 64:  
  
Went shopping.  
  
Bought stuff.  
  
Wanted to buy extra-long wand, but BFG said no.  
  
Met very sinister looking boy. Would have trusted him unconditionally, cept hair was a put-off. On whole, looked like very pale highlighter.  
  
Also, BFG took very suspiciously small package from very suspiciously guarded room. That and, I'm rich. Go me.  
  
Day 65:  
  
Took train to Hogwarts. Wondering about person who named school, and what they were on at the time.  
  
Met future best friend. Kept making kissy faces at me. Beginning to think Hogwarts will be a lot like Smeltings.  
  
Also, got to try on Sorting Hat. Said a lot of ominous things. Wasn't really paying attention. Too busy thinking about not wanting to be in Syltherin. Highlighter boy very blinding.  
  
Snape mean.  
  
Day 66:  
  
Got lost. Discovered Peeves is a quite perverted poltergeist. That, and Hermione is a show off.  
  
BFG said there was a break-in at Gringotts little after same time we were there. Didn't really care, as distracted by Fang's obvious interest with Ron. Quite amusing.  
  
Snape still mean.  
  
Day 67:  
  
Became seeker for Gryffindor team. Highlighter boy quite pissed off. Challenged me to a duel. Agreed.  
  
Went to duel. Turned out to be a trap. Wondered how didn't see that one coming.  
  
Ran for life. Found big slobbery three-headed dog. Ran for life again.  
  
Snape still mean.  
  
Day 68:  
  
Got kick ass broomstick. Again, highlighter boy quite pissed off.  
  
Went for training session with Wood. For some reason Wood felt need to physically help with all parts of teaching. Must be Quidditch thing.  
  
Snape still mean.  
  
Day 89:  
  
Snape still mean.  
  
Day 90:  
  
Ron mean to Hermione.  
  
Troll nicely discovered by Quirrel.  
  
Realised must save Hermione from Troll nicely discovered by Quirrel.  
  
Ran to girl's bathroom to find Hermione trapped by Troll nicely discovered by Quirrel.  
  
Did hero act of shoving wand up Troll nicely discovered by Quirrel's nose.  
  
Ron saved day by knocking out Troll nicely discovered by Quirrel with own club.  
  
Now friends with Hermione.  
  
Bit of a set back, but all in all, good day.  
  
Snape still mean, and suspiciously left when teacher's went to find troll.  
  
Beginning to notice many suspicious things happen at Hogwarts… Must be the food.  
  
Day 91:  
  
Quidditch started.  
  
Snape still mean, but has a mangled leg. Haha, stupid git.  
  
Day 92:  
  
Kicked ass against Slytherin at Quidditch. Highlighter boy quite put off.  
  
BFG said something about a Nicolas Flamel. Only later realised Nicolas Flamel is a person. Must explain a few things to Ron.  
  
Snape still mean.  
  
Day 122:  
  
Lost to Ron in Wizards Chess. Still confused as to why there were no pieces.  
  
Snape still mean.  
  
Day 123:  
  
Christmas.  
  
Got an Invisibility cloak.  
  
Played "Find the present" with Ron.  
  
Found suspicious looking mirror. Saw dead parents. Quite the put off.  
  
Snape still mean.  
  
Day 131:  
  
Discovered who Nicolas Flamel was. Ron quite disappointed.  
  
Snape still mean.  
  
  
  
Day 141:  
  
Discovered Snape is mean. Not that he wasn't before, just now has motive. Decided to be hero again to stop Snape from getting stone.  
  
Wonder how get self into these things.  
  
Day 156:  
  
Hagrid got a Dragon. Dragon overly interested in Ron. Quite amusing.  
  
Snape still mean, with or without motive.  
  
Day 160:  
  
Found way to get rid of Dragon. Ron happy. Highlighter boy found out. Ron sad.  
  
Snape still mean, with or without motive.  
  
Day 163:  
  
Got rid of Dragon. Ron enthusiastic. Highlighter boy got detention. Ron ecstatic. Got caught. Ron sad.  
  
Many points taken from Gryffindor. Detention for all. Stupid highlighter boy.  
  
Snape still mean, with or without motive.  
  
Day 164:  
  
Everybody hates us.  
  
Even Seamus stopped winking at me in halls. Good though, Ron would have killed him if he tried anything.  
  
Snape still mean, with or without motive.  
  
Day 165:  
  
Served detention. Nearly got killed by evil deamon drinking unicorns blood. Luckily, deamon thwarted off by highlighter boy's unnaturally bright hair. That, and centaur came.  
  
Centaur predicted my death. As usual. Centaur's SO full of themselves.  
  
Snape still mean, with or without motive.  
  
Day 184:  
  
Exams suck.  
  
Scar keeps repeatedly hurting. Probably foretelling danger. Should really do something about that.  
  
Snape still mean, with or without motive.  
  
Day 185:  
  
BFG is blabber-mouth. Told mysterious man in black cloak who never takes his hood off all about Fluffy. Cause it's always such a good thing to trust a mysterious man in a black clock who never takes his hood off.  
  
Snape still mean, with or without motive.  
  
Day 186:  
  
Tried to stop Snape from stealing stone. Broke through a lot of enchantments. Ron got frisky in big giant plant. Kicked Ron.  
  
Pretty boring day.  
  
On other news: Snapes not evil. Just mean. Quirrel's evil. And dead. Much rejoicing.  
  
Day 189:  
  
Lost Quidditch match because unconscious in hospital bed after playing hero correctly for once. Wood devastated. Gave spanking to learn lesson. Enjoyed far too much. Wondering how far Wood swings.  
  
Day 190:  
  
Good food. Dumbledore made a speech. Got some points. Won house cup. Received several 'congratulatory' slaps on bottom. Quidditch quite the close bunch…  
  
Day 195:  
  
Left.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
A/N: Okay, yes, I know the date don't add up. Just tell me if you liked it or not. If people like it, possibly another character will be shamed. If not… Meh, I'll decide then.  
  
Thanks for reading! Hope you liked it! 


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